Saturday, July 31, 2010

Figuring it out!!

I have been full figured almost all my life-too full!! For a long time I had no idea why I couldn't look slim like all my other friends. I started relying on fad diets very early on - because I felt a quick fix was what I needed. My parents enrolled me for badminton and karate classes when I was in school, but somehow the weight just wouldn't come off. I actually felt invisible on many occasions, when people would just look past me as though being fat also made me invisible. On one occasion I heard one of the boys in my school call me a Road Roller...that's when I learnt to laugh at these jokes. Self-depreciating humour has always been one of my specialities since then. I also become an extrovert - became loud and a bit flamboyant, just to make sure no one would take advantage of the introvert I really was. The more troubled I felt, the louder and aggressive I became. All the while the shy person inside me was slowly retreating into a shell.

One of the basic flaws of self-depreciating humour is that somewhere along the way, you even begin to kid yourself into believing that barbs don't hurt anymore. You listen to random people coming up to you and giving you tips on how to lose weight and how much it will benefit you, people talking about how your weight affects you looks, makes you look older and crack fat jokes around you, you kind of tune off and a kind of numbness sets in. My cure for numbness - Ice cream! So it was more like a vicious cycle. Sadly, in all these taunts, barbed, veiled comments I never saw the motivation to lose weight and show these "well-wishers" that I can do it too. Had my moments where I would work out like crazy and eat well and lost tons of weight, but soon enough they would come back on again.

Then I think God took pity on me and decided to give my condition a proper medical name - PCOD!! Hurray!! Now I could tell these people exactly why I was how I was and if I said it the right way, could even make it sound like a grave debilitating illness. Now I would  have the last laugh...until I used this on my aunt. She looked at me sternly and said - L, this isn't a disease. It is a condition - a condition you have the power to control. So stop acting like you have 3 days to live and go do something about it...and while we are on the topic, if you feel bad when people talk about your weight, TELL THEM. They will stop. It is only when you laugh along that people think we can handle it. If you put yourself down, so will others. Do you understand? Properly chastised I decided to do something about my attitude before I did something about my weight. See how my lazy body comes up with ways to avoid working out.

Am still working on my attitude, but have also started working on my body. Years of pseudo-extrovertism is difficult to shed off and letting that shy, quiet person inside me to get the courage to see the light of day is still a work in progress.


Nimi said...

I have PCOD too. I love you just as you are Lallu, and dont let any smartass tell you otherwise. Your one of the most amazing ladies I know.

Laxmi Gopa said...

Aww Nims...thank you. I think I've only been myself with NILE and now have started showing ME to another friend...but otherwise I am that loud, life of the party person to everyone else.

Anonymous said...

Tried posting a comment but emailing u

Lakshmi...m astounded. To be frank, I jus assumed u were one of those wonderfully jolly ppl who really did not care abt ur wt..n my o my..wat a surprise. ur just as insecure as me...I have suffered from d same issues for years now. Well prob a lot is my vanity but d same inner shell n horrifying complex n all...Lovely post Lakshmi..i can see hw ur blog is evolving into an extension of yourself and I love it!!!
I wont say dont wry abt d wt n all..cos dats unrealistic. N m glad dat u have taken d step 2 fight des feelings now :D hope sumday evn i can confront myself :) - Maria

Laxmi Gopa said... I'm surprised...I didn't think you had insecurities cuz I thought you always look so great...and ur look always oozed confidence. I guess we all battle inner demons in some form or the other. I'm glad you liked the post. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to put it out there, but then I decided that too is a like a healing process. I am such a introvert that when I meet people, instant nervousness sets in and to cover it up I say the most in-appropriate things. My best of friends are those who saw past these stupid statements I make and saw that I was worth giving some time to...such is life isn't it.

Nazia Akhtar said...

You and i are definitely twins... in many ways.
Bravo for this touching and courageous blog. Your beauty shines thru more than you know.

Tara said...

Okay this one touched a nerve. Being a fellow PCOD and never being thin my entire life (Full figured is a nice word but i can't seem to use it on myself, present state or even past) but one difference, I have never been able to laugh at jokes about me or my weight. I clearly show disapproval and your aunt's right, people get the cue. All the best Lakshmi,hope you do whatever your heart desires. After all its all in the mind.

Laxmi Gopa said...

@Tara - It is a touchy topic, but this is something that is always on my mind and I felt I needed to get it out there. I am surprised I never came across as loud to you...maybe I am more comfy with you Tara that's y.

Anonymous said...

ur right..vr all hiding sum silly skeletons in dat huge closet! :D

lovley 2 know i oozed confidence from d outside..hehehe
abt hesitating abt writing ur post, i feeel d same way abt some of my more perosnal posts..but u know wat once I write it gives a sense of liberation. ya i have a lot of ppl who tsk tsk abt it..but who cares..its my blog, my i'll write wat i want to :) - Maria

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