No redemption!

I stood beside his casket, apologizing profusely in my head. I had wronged him and he didn't even know it. Didn't even know I existed. I had stopped him from getting close to probably the one true love in his life. She stood next to me, fighting to control her tears. Her eyes, when she looked at me, were full of hurt and accusation. She stayed away from him and his persuasive loving perusal because I told her I had a bad feeling about him. Something about him didn't sit right with me. The fool that I was had made this assumption without having met him, without getting to know him...and the fool that she was she believed me. After all, I was supposed to her friend, wasn't I? As I watched his sister stroking his rigid, cold face I wondered - if I hadn't kept them away, would he have died a much happier man? She would be upset anyway, but would she be content in the knowledge that she had loved him with all she had in the short time they had together? Were his last thoughts about her? Would she ever forgive me for keeping her from such pure love?

About 8yrs down the line, I don't even remember his name but in the still of the night I feel him...feeding slowly off my guilt.

Stephen.R.Covey says “We simply assume that the way we see things is the way they really are or the way they should be. And our attitudes and behaviors grow out of these assumptions.”

Amusingly Assuming!

She wore a beautiful bright red saree, slightly worse for wear, but lovely all the same. A bundle of books under her arm and an assortment of neck and finger ornaments completed her look. There was a shrewdness in her eyes and those piercing, investigative eyes first drew my attention. Nothing seemed to escape her gaze. She had already assessed me and made up her mind even before she approached me.

She took in my flushed face and blood-shot eyes and told me reassuringly - In the name of Goddess, I shall only tell you the truth. Let me read your face and if you like it, let me read your hand and tell you your future. I just smiled and told her I wasn't interested, but she persisted. My mother walked up behind me and put her arms around me and tried to get me to walk on, but this lady stopped her as well. She told my mum too the same thing she had told me and on a whim I decided to indulge her.

Now that she had our attention, she began her usual act. This was familiar ground and she knew that getting the attention was the hard part - the rest she knew how to handle. She reassuringly put a hand on my arm and told me not to worry. She understands the reason behind my tears and told me God was listening. She told me that she saw great things in my future...marriage to a good man, three kids with my first born being a boy, that I would live like a queen in a big house with all material comforts...etc...etc. My mum and I exchanged glances. I took out Rs 10 from my purse and put it in her hand. She protested and told me this is not enough for all the good things she had predicted...

All that drivel did bring a smile to me face. I looked her for one long minute and just walked away from her. She caught hold of my mum and told her that she would have to pay her for all the nice things that she had told us about me.

So I asked her in all seriousness - So chechi(a respectable way to address any woman elder than you) when do you think this marriage will take place? She smiled her all knowing smile and told me - For that you will need to pay more ... Rs 100 at least... I know you are anxious to know. I am - said I - because I need to inform my husband about this wealthy man who is going to marry me, just to give him a head's up! After all he put up with me for 4years, I owe him that much, don't you think!

The lady had taken in my non-thali(symbol for married Hindu women) clad neck, no vermilion in my hair, the age I looked and my tear stained face and decided that I was an unmarried woman getting on in age and upset about it. Although she had predicted perfectly, she was just 4years too late. Probably didn't think that I could be a person who cried for no reason in temples and wasn't really upset about anything in particular.


Aren't a majority of us like this - quick to judge and come to conclusions because we take things at face value.

Sweet my child, I live for thee!

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I am a mother…There in that one line I have summed up all that I need to write about – Love, Adventure and Miracle. Being a parent is the one of the most exhilarating and heart wrenching adventure of them all. About 90% of the time, I feel like I am standing at the edge of a precipice, anxiously waiting to see what my little devil will do next…and mind you he doesn’t disappoint. There is never a sense of anti-climax when he is around, no matter how much you wish for it.
A baby is a miracle. Wanted, unwanted, planned, unplanned – these words become insignificant at the sight of this amazing creation. No matter how much science tries to de-glamorize the whole procedure, I am still in awe. To think that I can create a living, breathing person, who is unique, yet so similar is amazing. Now if that isn’t the greatest miracle of all time, then I don’t know what is!
My love affair with my son wasn't quiet the love at first sight that I had heard so much about. Yet in the span of then next 18hours he had me eating out his teeny tiny palm. I would happily get up at all odd hours if that was what his majesty desired - without so much as a murmur. I, who loved my slumber and would viciously attack anyone who dared to disturb it, was now a very happy zombie and loving every minute of it. Those trusting, admiring eyes; that beautiful smile (no it wasn't gas, he was smiling at me!); that firm finger wrapped around mine - they carried me away on a wave of emotion unlike anything I had ever experienced before. It felt good, damn good...and I never wanted it to stop.
Once I realised that I had a living breathing child and that he was healthy, I thought to myself - "I'm so glad that is over. Now we can all go home and rest!!" Hah!! What an innocent creature I was!! Little did I know that my adventure had just begun. All I had to do was hold on tight and pray that while I hurtled into motherhood at the speed of light (time flies when you have kids), I would emerge with all my faculties intact. I thought that was the least I could ask for...sometimes the Present Me just wants to look at the Past Me and say - "Really woman, were you that naive!! Shouldn't those puppy eyes and your desire to please have been warning enough?"
It has been almost five years since he moved lock, stock and barrel into my heart and I know he is going nowhere. I have also come to realise that I need him more than he will ever need me - a fact that I think he is also very aware of. His smiles and hugs have more healing power than any holistic or spiritual healer alive and this isn't just mummy brain (inability to see and think past your child) talking...I suggest all of you try it for yourself. The unconditional love and joy in them will beat the crap out of any sadness in you and make you want to smile right back at them.